| to dave |
[22 May 2007|07:26pm] |
one thousand lies
ten years of regret
All the pain consumed who could forget
Time and time again i tried invain
For things to only remain the same
I gave you everything i had inside
Til parts of me just died
Now im sitting here with so many thoughts
With questions half answered, My life torn apart
And most all im sitting here with a broken heart
How could i have been that nieve
The lies you told how could i believe
I seen the signs were there
but i acted like i didnt care
And now my heads a mess
my mind never seems to rest
I cant see y you can just brush it off like nothing
I thought to you i meant something!
I thought placing that ring on my finger
or the trail of zingers
I thought you cared
Now the thought of starting over im just scared!
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| the whole truth and nothing but the truth |
[08 May 2007|10:44am] |
Well lets start off where this began and this could be long so bare with me! It all started with him making comments bout my friend betty(brian) and wound up in a convo bout him actually going threw with those comments. Then He went through with them. then He started asking me to find a girl for us to share. Then i came back in contact with her someone that i had alot in common with someone that i cared about deeply. someone from the past. then me and her talked and at first it was a wait and see game. Waiting for her to get comfortable with him enough to do that. Then came the Jealousy that my time was being spent with someone else. Not that we were doing what he thought we were doing all the time because for me and her it was never a sexual thing. It was more of a companion thing someone to talk to someone i looked at as someone i needed to save from all the horrible shit that she had been through. And in the back of my mind somewhere thinkin maybe one day shell give in. and i will not have to find someone else because i felt a comfort with her. Then i found out that he had a problem with me and her but instead of coming to me and saying something after telling me to do what i wanted get some practice so to speak he was going to other people and expressing that he didnt like it. but when i confronted him bout it he told me he was just jealous of the time and not the sexual thing. I begged him to be honest with me. Then came the accident. James was dead. Dhs. death threats. STress sets in. I felt overwhelmed not only in grief but in my home with my life in worry. Then came his mistake. He cheated again. And got caught. Now I am not only angery at him for doing that to me again but at her becaus she did that to me in my own home when i was here with my kids asleep in my bed, No one stopped to think this is wrong. Regardless of that fact that what she saw and thought was disrespect when it came to him bout (my) Her. She didnt know all the facts I went to him time and time again and asked him to be truthful with me that if he wanted it to stop i would in a heartbeat she wasnt worth loosing 10 yrs and two kids over. I could go back to just a friendship with her because like i said it wasnt really a sex thing we barely ever did that most of the time spent was just talking bout my life and it felt great to have someone that could relate you know someone that had been through what i had in life. But every time i asked he told me no he is fine with it he is just stressed from work or whatever that he truely was fine with it. I wished he would have been truthful. I wish that he didnt push so hard for me to find that person. But i felt like things were going so great and i wanted to give him that because that is something he truely wanted. Now im at the point where i could loose him. The point where he doesnt know what he wants now. All he knows is that he wants space time to clear his head to figure out what he is doing in life.
The facts....
He cheated Not the first time but this time with his own step sister
then there is her(my) Do i love her yes but only as a friend do i care bout her yeah
can i be with her like that honestly I dont think so!
I like men too much
Do i wanna forgive him Yes
Do i still love him Yes
Did i lead her on in some ways Yes
In hoping that one day she would give in
Did i say things to her that i didnt mean because i was upset leading her on Yes
Am i confused Yes
Should i be mad at the person he cheated on me with Yes and No I feel if she would have known that whole situation she might not have allowed it to happen but because she only saw it from one side She did what she did
I know that this doenst change anything i know right now me and him are taking it one day at a time being totally honest with each other and ourselves. Space is needed to collect thoughts. But atleast now everything is out in the open!
Jean
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[16 Mar 2007|11:37pm] |
Im holding on cause i cant let go
It feels like soo long ago
The feeling of love of paaion
You love is not ordinary fashion
when im laying in your arms it feel so great
Talking all night and staying up late
Learning all the inner workings of your mind
Your arms rapped around me holding me from behind
The way you look in my eyes i feel like i can see all
I feel like im falling so fast yet afriad to fall
I wake up waiting to hear you voice
But falling in love with you i have no choice
something about you just pulls me in
some times feels like loving you is a sin
I cant help the way i feel i cant help the longing i have for you
And just know that as a friend always ill always be true!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU
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| I give up |
[15 Dec 2006|06:56am] |
sometimes i just cant take it
feels like im dying
you hurt me soo much
but yet i love you
i feel like i have no control
like a body without a soul
i think sometimes life might be easier without me
I dont wanna choose because either way i loose
someone i love someone i care for deeply
my eyes feel heavy and i feel so sleepy
but the thoughts that run through my head
of all the fuck up things as i lay in my bed
all the things i wish i could change
of the life i want to rearrange
make a fresh start
without hurting my heart
sometimes i see your point
but others i wish u saw mine
life is not a one way street
sometimes i want to give into defeat
think life would easier without a heart beat
i dont know what to do
for i love the both of you
its not fair to make me choose
because either way i loose!
god what am i doing anymore i just cant take it i feel like im totally lost what is the point all i do day in a day out is hold on to the things that use to be the relationship hat use to be perfect to the friendship that use to be whole the life i want slow crumbles before me. All i do is struggle. Im so sick of worrying im so sick of having no control im tired of crying. No one would care if i was dead i bet i wouldnt even be thought of i give it a week til they all forgot i existed maybe then i could be at rest maybe then i would feel whole. i just cant take this constant fight this struggle and then when i think things are going great something else pulls apart at the seems i just cant take it i dont wanna go on living is this is all i have to look forward to. my plate is full and shit just keep piling up i dont understand sometimes i try so hard to help everyone hoping karma will come my way and it never comes maybe im meant to be miserable maybe im meant to suffer and while everyone goes about their norm. i meant to feel like shit. nice guys always finish last they say well maybe i just wont finish maybe it would be easier to just sit down instead continueing in this race im never gonna finish anyway. why cant people see they are taring me apart im dying from the inside. im being pulled in so many directions and i have so much to think and worry about . I doubt i cross their minds i doubt while im sitting here worried hoping they never have to feel one once of what i have in life they dont even think my name. they really wouldnt miss me if they dont miss me now why would they miss me then. I should just disappear off the face of the earth then no one would have to care no one would have to show simpathy no one would have to help. i dont know i just cant take it . If you wake up one day and im not here ull know y
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| tag you it |
[27 Jul 2006|02:14am] |
IF YOU ARE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, OR IF I AM ON YOURS, FILL THIS OUT (please):
1. name:
2. birthday:
3. place of residence:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. do you read my lj:
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. favourite place to be:
11. favourite lyric:
12. best time of the year:
13. Do you remember when we met?
14. Have I been a good friend to you?
15. Tell me something you've never told me before.
PLUS
1. one thing you like about me:
2. two things you like about yourself:
3. put this in your lj so i can tell you what i think of you.
4. post a picture you (if possible):
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| tag your it |
[03 Jun 2006|01:40am] |
TAG Your It! :)
IF YOU ARE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, OR IF I AM ON YOURS, FILL THIS OUT (please):
1. name:
2. birthday:
3. place of residence:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. do you read my lj:
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. favourite place to be:
11. favourite lyric:
12. best time of the year:
13. Do you remember when we met?
14. Have I been a good friend to you?
15. Tell me something you've never told me before.
PLUS
1. one thing you like about me:
2. two things you like about yourself:
3. put this in your lj so i can tell you what i think of you.
4. post a picture you (if possible):
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| Life..... |
[28 May 2006|03:48am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
Well life has been going good for me today my baby just turned three the party was fun had fun im actually still up from it lol but anyhow im bout to go to bed i need to get my beauty sleep and lets face im one ugly bitch i need alot of it to be remotely good lookin at all lol soo i dont break a mirror in the morning lol anyhow im doing good on losing weight lost alot more since i have talked to you last but anyhow im gonna head out just thought i would update this thing
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[18 Apr 2006|02:25pm] |
Hey hey everyone, Things here have been great. we are moving to bensalem yahhh and im getting a new car its a 95 nissian max. and umm lets see getting my lic. back lol fun stuff too many damn tickets lol but yeah ummm i got my nipples pierced god that was fun im mean killer. lol Im was sooooooooo scared it hurt lol the left was fine but the guy forgot to tell me that one hurts more than the other then he did the right omfg i screamed that shit omg lol hurt like a mofo. He was like god damn did u have to scream like that. but yeah soo everything seems to be lookin up and up
~Jean
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[10 Mar 2006|01:26pm] |
| You Are 27 Years Old | 
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
How old r u???
Im really 24 lol quiz age 27
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[04 Mar 2006|02:51pm] |
| suductiv10dency's LJ stalker is xxxgothicgodxxx! | | xxxgothicgodxxx is stalking you because they saw your picture and fell in love.. They are also deluded! |
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| lil update |
[01 Mar 2006|10:07am] |
KK lets see what has happened since i last wrote hmmmm well the search for a house is on. Things between me and dave are going great!! I got a new phone. Gabriel really talks too much lol he just keeps going and going. Ummm i got 9 back for my income soo im having alil fun minus the 7 im useing for the house. Ray is getting so big porker is in size 6months already wow right. i need to go get him some damn clothe lol too big. Me and erica are no longer friends lets just say she is not the person i thought she was and she is gonna believe some dude that lies out his ass well make that two dudes over me. I guess that is what i get for getting involed in someone elses shit and to relaying messages i should just keep my mouth shut and stuck to my story that things were fine. My fault for being a real friend and telling her the truth but anyhow. Me lori and my mom went out last sat we were soo trashed well me and my mom were i dont know so much bout lori lol. Laurie started her new job fun stuff. lol but yeah everthing is going great i have a blast these last few weeks. NO drama no crying just pure fun.
keep ya updated
Jean
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| fuck it all |
[31 Jan 2006|12:10pm] |
Cut my wrist and slit my throat
It so hard losing control
losing everything that i know
But fuck it all I dont care anymore
Now I will show u that I am that whore
That I am stronger than ull ever know
I dont need you soo let me go
Youve spit im my face time and time again
and everytime we start over it winds up where it began
you cheating and lying and treat me like dirt
I cant possibly know anymore hurt
Inside im numb to the feeling of pain
and I only have myself to blame
For letting you treat me this way
I for being nieve and wantin to stay
im doing this for myself and my kids
Now its my time
I will stay strong I will carry on
With or Without you.
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| HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
[19 Jan 2006|11:38pm] |
Today in the U.S., 1 in every 8 babies will be born prematurely. Some of them won't survive, and others will have health problems that could last a lifetime. The funds we raise in WalkAmerica support research that saves babies' lives.
The mission of the March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects and infant mortality.
• Sponsor My Walk
• Tell a Friend
* Sign up to walk
http://www.walkamerica.org/daveswifey
HELP SAVE OUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Life |
[15 Jan 2006|01:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 melancholy |
] |
Well life this last week has been alil crazy. But me and dave are gonna work through it we always do.
Ray is doing good getting big he is now 12 pounds and 25 in. He is a lil porker all he does is eat I mean eat!!!!!!!!!!! Whole 8 oz bottles with cereal etc he is a hog. He is soo adorable though. I have some pics of him on my myspace http://www.myspace.com/seductive10dency
Gabriel is getting bad well who am i kidden he has been bad lol terrible two's BIG UNDERSTATEMENT!!!!!!! He is cute though. Today he put his shirt on his head to the sleeves hung down like hair and turned to me and said I PRETTY GIRL MOM. I just started laughing lol what a goof. Daves genes of course lol but anyhow I told him no he is a boy he told me no pretty girl soo ok he thinks he is a girl lol. Hopefully hell grow outta it soon.
House hunting well right now we are not looking we are waiting til we get out income tax in then we r gonna get a new house.
As for everything else im taking it one day at a time.
Jean
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| Alone on New years |
[01 Jan 2006|12:44am] |
Well I know it has been a long time since I updated but I have been very busy with the new baby and being happy for the most part.
Last night and today I was sick as a dog you would think dave would have stayed home with me on new years beens I am sick. No infact instead of spending time with me and helping me take care of the kids being sick he runs out to go to the party we were suppose to go together to with this girl. Now I know that she is his friends ex girl but I dont fucking trust her. She always has to pull her fucking shirt down to the max so her tits are basically showing. Im tired of it. the fucked up part is that dave even went im sitting here sick as a dog and he couldnt stay home with me to celebrate with his sick wife and kids no we are not important enough for him. then he goes behind my back and invites someone else to go with. I wait for him to call me after the ball dropped no call i wait 20 mins no call, so i call him and this is our convo
Jean = you didnt call me asshole
dave= call you for what
I just stayed quiet
then
dave- o what for new years....... o happy new years
Jean- yeah happy new years
Then I hung up on him. Fuck him I dont need no man that is were he is sadly mistaken. I am really starting to get tired of him. In all honesty Im tired of having to hold his hand, I tired of not being able to rely on him for anything, and most of all im tired of feeling alone. I tired of being the shoulder to lean on and having none in return. What is funny is that my friend mike was gonna come here and spend new years with me and the kids just so i didnt have to spend it alone even though he had his own party to go to. I told him to go of course I didnt want him sitting around spending his new years watching spongebob as i have all night. I didnt even count down or anything i heard the people outside screaming happy new years that is how I knew it was new years my brother called me he fell asleep cherie had woken him up and i was the first person he thought of to call and say happy new years my brother not my husband was the first to call then followed with a call from lori she probably would have been the first but her cell phone wasnt connecting to many calls circulating. Then like I said I waited and waited for a call from dave a call I would never have gotten I had to call him. So for now I think im gonna go to bed im tired of the shit for the night i think in the morning I might take the kids to the parade. IDK
Jean
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[19 Oct 2005|12:30pm] |
If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought?
Reply here, then post the above line in your own journal
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| Baby shower |
[15 Oct 2005|11:33pm] |
Well my baby shower went nice. Not alot of people came about 15 outta 37 I invited so im kinda bumbed out about that. I would have liked to seen alot of people i havent in a while and worse of all dave brother didnt even come and he is suppose to be the godfather. None of my gf's came except sherida. Lori had to go to the hospital with her mom. Erica well lets just say home problems. Sandy died soo yeah . ummm Bonnie ? Idk... Atrel cause she was stuck in harrisburg. Other than that basically all my family was here except my godmother(aunt)bonnie. I got an ok amount of stuff that i needed sooo over all i wsa happy the food came out good my cake was good and the lollipop favors we made went over well sooo happy bout that. OOOOO my god lol the funniest part of the night was fred lol We had a chugging contest for the men they had to chug a 4pz sippy cup full of water. Well i say one two three go and they start to drink well fred desides to squeeze the cup now mind u these are disposables lol the lid pops off and boom he is full head to toe with water we could not stop laughing. but anyhow I just wanna say thanks to all those who did come i appreciate the gifts and the company.
well im going to bed im dead to the world right now.
Love Jean
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suductiv10dency's journal
